Barcelona: The Jokes on Me

a bit late with this post... (a little over a month i think its been). Jonathan has an updated blog with CTY stuff that we are currently doing.. Check it out, if you like this, his is a good read as well- http://21odyssey.blogspot.com/

Here featured: Ro(Lawless), Zach Horne (Twin), Kamal(Douche Nozzle), Priya Patel(Cockblock), Ketan (Douche Hat), Naren (Google), Vinay (Taskbar,Guy who needs a money shot, but instead goes around with freakishly dry skin on his face), Neal Vagina

We get to Barcelona and the weather is awesome, just warm enough but not HOT like Madrid. We are staying is Las Ramblas which is super touristy but also super international which I love. There is a strip with pet stores on the street selling hamsters, birds, turtles, ferrets, rabbits, almost anything a boy could want. There are obviously lots of restaurants, stores, and a couple bars too. People There are also people dressed up in intricate costumes and face paint. It's like there's a circus in town. Some of the costumes are pieces of artwork that are well done. The city is pretty clean and the metro system runs quickly here. We are in tourist area so it is happy, wealthy, and beautiful. Our hostel guy says watch out for crime because there are a lot of pickpockets. Don't give kids money because they just want to find out where your wallet is. Don't let prostitutes touch you because they will just take your money. (This happened to one of the Cali guys in Prague). Plus out of anywhere, Amsterdam definitely has the best looking hookers. Most other places they are extra dirty and extra herpy.

I get ready for the night with another hostel palace shower, this one equipped with a Perv-U feature, a translucent shower door lacking a lock. I might have to throw in another episode of European Stripper. After my shower I change back in the 18 bed room, people are awake and getting ready and everyone seems to be coming on the pub crawl. By everyone I mean me and 10 girls, this might be money in numbers, but this isn’t certainly the best quality group; but they all know English somewhat which is good. Though a diverse group, Estonia, Russia, Arkansas, Sydney, and Canadia were all represented, sadly none of these girls would have been picked if a racial draft of 2009 was founded. I head over to the bar early with Lynn (whose 22nd birthday it is) and Sandra, the Canadians. Birthday girl is an Asian Canadian girl that looks like the Asian girl on Grey’s Anatomy, and Sandra is Indian ( I don’t like full blood Indians, and especially this trip when there are interesting, cute, mixes), so at the bar Shiva gets lost QUICKLY.
Shiva then meets these awesome Vancouver Canadian guys and this Irish guy named Ronin, whose name is quite solid and reminds me of Ronin Warriors, probably one of the best cartoons I’ve seen. These Vancouver guys are DTD (Down to Drink) and love doing silly jackass shit similar to what I do. They are all like 6ft and taller and most of the guys are huge, definitely good friends to keep if I'm getting belligerent at the end of the night. One of the VC guys told me to go to this Bohemian Bagel Pub Crawl when I get to Prague, it’s their best bar crawl. It starts at 9:30, but he said get there early because they have unlimited beer at the first bar. Will do sir.

Rest of the girls (Russia, Estonia, Australians, Arkansas?) from the hostel come by and are doing shots by the bar. Of course I’m not one normally to insult, but it’s like zebras at a twattering hole drinking tequila like it is water at the only oasis in the universe. These girls are nice though and I introduce them to the British guys Mark and Kellen from Bristol. Hindsight comment: Kellen ends up hooking up with one of the Australian girls in my hostel but is also kinda pissed when I see him at the end of the night because she got super protective and wouldn’t let him talk to the Norwegian girl.

Kellen and I talk about British comedy and he gives me a few names of over-the-edge-humor comedians I should look at if I want to write some British styled material when I get to London. Of course when copious amounts of jellybean juice sangria are involved, my memory fades like Kamal Patel at a staying sober contest. This “Travel bar” has 30L kegs of sangria in the back, which is exciting and a much needed addition to our townhouse. Meet said super cute Norwegian girl with some sort of necklace in her hair that makes her look like a princess. I chug my sangria and tell her it’s my job to make sure everyone knows Americans are irresponsible drinkers and ignorant. Tell her to bring me back a penguin from Norway.

It’s approximately 10:30pm and the guys organizing the pub crawl try to get everyone to leave in groups of 25. Of course this ends up with some people exiting, leaving the VC boys (Vancouver Canada, Viet Cong) and I stranded in the middle of a cluster fuck wondering why we are standing here sober. I grab the VC boys and Ronin and we push out of the bar. The pub crawl guy tells us to be quiet in the streets. wtf, its 10:30pm, people in Spain are probably just starting desert or finishing dinner, we of course yell down the street and proceed in general tomfoolery.

The second bar is interesting; it’s named Tequila and set up in a hard rock fashion with headphones everywhere and red paint splattering the place. If you don’t think the music is loud enough, you can put the headphones on that are hanging from the ceiling and listen to the music so loud that even Beethoven could hear it. It's kind of antisocial because you can't talk to anyone while you have headphones on but I of course at some point in the night put on headphones and rock out like an obscene American. I take tequila shots with the Vancouver guys and a few girls and spit out the To Honor toast which the VC guys love though the girls employ their disapproving nods while cheekily smiling.


Reason 2 why the VC guys are awesome: Indian/Mexican-ish flower guys is coming around with a rose pointed out towards people similar to Dick-in-a-box style. Cody yells “I WILL EAT IT” and chomps on the flower and bites it off the stalk and starts chewing it. The girls and I are getting wet. Love this party trick; it’s like a tapas dish of antioxidants with your drink.

I’m talking to one guy from LA and the girl hovering by us seems interested. Hover girl has my favorite look, the Jennifer Love Hewitt/Kate Beckinsale/Lacey Chabert look, brunette, curvy and of course gorgeous. She has a black shirt on too so there’s hope that she is a vampire. I drag her in and say something about LA, she says she is from either SD or LA; at this point it’s getting blurry. I tell her I like San Francisco better though, to which she responds “mee too”. “Stop trying to impress me so much”, I retort.
The LA guy walks away and I plop down on a bar stool and pull the Cali girl in closer. This fairly large football player looking white guy is sitting down on a bar stool a couple feet away and just glaring at me. Comes over and whispers something in the girl’s ear, okay I guess they know each other.

Inconsequential and maybe need a construction hat to pull this through. Cali girl and I talk for a minute or two. Keep in mind I’m only heavily buzzed at this point so I haven’t said anything about aborted fetuses like I normally do, we are not even in progression to implantation yet. The conversation is still stale, boring and lame. Unsuspectingly, out of nowhere, she says “You know you can’t offend me.”


I am confused but aroused at this statement.


Shiva: You obviously don’t know me.
Cali Jokes Girl: I’m just saying I can laugh at anything no matter how wrong
Shiva: I don’t know how we got to this point so quickly but you are sort of awesome. Give her a hug and wonder if she’s crazy enough to match the hotness factor.

So I do what I normally do and whisper some dirty joke into her ear. Cali Jokes girl laughs and replies with a few of her own.
Cali Jokes: I’m part Jewish too. Like Jewish jokes?

Love them. She spits a few at me and says “I can tell you inappropriate jokes all night long.”

I pinch myself just to make sure I’m not dreaming. This girl is highly inappropriate, and is drinking whiskey on the rocks.  Def has more hairs on her balls than I do and she’s silly enough to boot.

Gotta step back to reality for a second. Tell her I’m going to go watch the whipped cream games that are going on deeper into the bar and I assure her ill see her later.

Meet this Norwegian guy Bjorn and he tells me there are DC guys here.  Meet guys from Maryland, fuck yeah! One of them, Nick is 18 and spending two weeks in Barcelona, wish I had done this earlier. Boisterous group of tourists and international alcoholics stagger over to the next bar. This bar I end up meeting some British and Scottish like 30yr old guys on some sort of conference who apparently love me and keep buying me pints all night. I progressively get more and more into a drunken stupor.

At some point in this bar, I go to pee and there’s a turbo blond hottie (hereafter sleeping beauty) just sleeping on a bench with a pillow.  Being the creeper I am, I check to see if she’s okay, she says she just needs a power nap, she says the guy who runs the pub crawl has been feeding her drinks all night.  End up talking with her for a bit and cuddling in the bench as we look at one of the guys shoot this yellow piss looking drink out of a super soaker. Tell her to go back to sleep and ill see her later.  Sleeping beauty responds with “I hope so, the bar crawl guy is kind of in charge of me though.”  Pinky swear kiss on meeting up later. Hindsight comment:  mind you this kinda works kinda does not. Gotta go back to using my bracelet and telling people they are in GW school of fortune telling or it’s their lost and found bum bracelet.

As I’m walking back to the bar, call these girls hoity toity badasses because they have just been sitting in the corner smoking all the time at the bar. Kind of hate when I go out in Europe, my shirts reek of smoke from a mile away. I walk into the 20ft vicinity of the 30yr old British group and another beer floats to me. Drink another beer with the 30yr old British guys (also will call wheelchair group later on) and it’s time to head out.  Hindsight comment: I tell the 30yr old British guys to come with us even though they are not on the pub crawl, which plays into later in the story.

End up walking to the next bar which is by some marina with the hoity toity badass girls who are british emma and british maryanne apparently.  Talk about yachts and party boats, or either talk about flying crocodiles.. I’m pretty sure I’m Zach Horne drunk at this point calling prostitutes onto my team and talking about how my dad gets pussy all over the wall.

VC boys are boisterous and the bar crawl guy says to throw out their drinks.  I do what Kamal does best and we tell the guy to go fuck himself.  Bar crawl guy probably doesn’t like me at this point, but he is extra douche for being a jackass, and super creep for feeding sleeping beauty drinks all night. Run into the bar and find sleeping beauty, she gives me a hug and we talk a bit with her and her friends.  Bar crawl cockbag comes by and drags sleeping beauty to the bar.  Too drunk to have any attention span, this doesn't stop my fun.

Go to the outside patio and run into aussies and norway girl.  Meet a similar looking (to Cali Jokes girl) brunette aussie girl and they are surprised I can yell aussie aussie aussie, oi oi oi.  Yeah I learned this in my travels somehow.  Talk to aussie girl about kangaroos and how we should stitch pouches to our tummies.  I would have you carry my baby, but it’d probably be an aborted fetus.  This one gets an awkward smile slash wtf. I obviously can’t notice because at this point I’m sure I don’t know if I’m speaking English or Dutch. Ketan, need a situation defuser possibly.

I have a beer in my hand that 30yr old British guy handed me earlier in this bar (WHERE ARE ALL THESE COMING FROM?!?!), and one of the guys I meet outside cheers me and cracks a shard of glass off the top, kinda hilarious.  Pour my beer into his and we go chug for chug for the rest.  Hindsight comment: I should be lucky these 30yr old British guys aren’t gay because some of them are tall, some of them are like 300lbs and there’s at least 6 of them and I am sort of fucked up in a half shell enough that just a twinkle from their eyes would probably lead me gaining the 15 cents, which in euro cents, probably widens the margin of my asshole a bit more (1.401x to be exact). [Be sure to ask me if you don't know this joke.] The US dollar is like monopoly money I should just use it to wipe the pee out of my anus.  By the way, I am eating digestive crackers I bought from the supermarket here to keep the internal warfare in check. Let's not repeat what happened in Paris.

At some point I meet CG who is Canadian girl, who looks exactly like the other two, brunette curvy slim jlove hewitt look.  I’m pretty sure I don’t know any of their names at this point, and I’m positive I can’t tell the difference between any of them.  CG nicknames herself CG, so she says we are CG and DC.  Tell her I’d rather be DF which I made District Fool DownToFuck which worked well in my mind.  We walk over to the club and yell CG and DF and I think I make a song out of it, and by song I mean drunken nonsense yelling which is in the key of D.... for Drunk at somewhere at 3am.  Dance with CG at the club and we kiss but she won’t make out with me. Only shifts the fucked up in a half shell drunk attention span.

See Cali jokes girl and talk to her for a bit, guy is still hovering around with eyes of fury.  hrm glad I have the curry crew with me here... NOT
VC guys would take care of me.. Look around, they are gone, British 30yr old guys are all swarmed around CG and one of them is all over her.. wtf. Ronin warrior is around. yes. Cali jokes tells me some more jokes that I do not remember, I tell her lets go dance over there, she says she should stay over here. Attention span: stutter step.

Go to the dance floor and dance with aussie girl, show her how Americans dance and we do the American dance.  Which is basically just being effing ridiculous.  She is having fun but I’m pretty sure she’s according to Ro, not DTF and I’m not going to play games.  Ronin warrior is dancing close by and I pull him into our group and have him dance with aussie girl.

At some point I go over to Cali Jokes and a short Asian friend she’s met and a sad looking Indian girl with a tiara. It’s Indian girl's birthday and she has a sad deer in the headlights look. I think I end up doing something stupid and cheering her up. Cali Jokes must be super important to me if I'm hanging out with Indian girls in Barcelona of all cities. At this point I think Cali Jokes left to get back to the bar but look around and see Canadian Girl.

B-line it and dive through 150 years of life wheelchair group to get to CG and pull her out of there and to a couch in a side room of the club.  Talk to her for all of two minutes when the collective 150 year group wheelchair in and one of the bald eagles comes in and acts all chummy with me and tries to take CG back to the bar. 
Whisper to CG that these guys look creepy like bald vultures out for a snack.  Bill, the 30yr old guy talking to me asks if CG wants a drink and I tell her to just get one later. I’m not going to get a girl's attention by buying her drinks, fuck that. She gets up to go when he beckons and I’m like what are you doing? she says I’m just going to get a drink I’ll see you later. 
Hindsight comment: super pissed but at this point, still on the shitfaced smile of wonderful magicful high and bouncing around 3 different girls that I can’t tell the difference b/w so I just hop to the next one. 

Cali inappropriate jokes girl is just standing at the bar with the guy, both looking like they aren’t having much fun.  Walk over, use my hands to form a smile on her face “Hey I cheered up the birthday girl, you are allowed to have fun too” and start taking her to the dance floor.  The enraged football player guy is staring at me and finally opens his mouth this time (oh now you have some cahones), “what the fuck are you doing man?, that is my girl.”  Ignore it because it is inconsequential to me at this point, I have Ronin warrior… somewhere? Hindsight comment: Ronin Warrior is passed the fuck out on the ground by the marina at this point. I am at this club drunk out of my mind, confused and without backup! Need some brosefs. Stat.
Take Cali Jokes out on the dance floor and try to get to the other side of the club because there are like 20 people in this place at this point. We are in the middle of the dance floor on one side of a stage by the bar near football player hulk angry guy.
CJ: I should stay close.
Shiva: I just want us to just tell each other jokes all night long
CJ: I want to too, it’s just that I’m in the middle of so much drama right now.. I have to go back..  Shiva: Okay I will see u later, you know you want to pee yourself laughing.
CJ: Of course.

At this point, CG and British wheelchair group are gone. VC guys are gone. Ronin warrior is gone. Aussie girl is just dancing with her friends. 

I end up talking to the huge bartender and the girls by him, but he says all the girls with him are either his cousins or girlfriends or sisters.  “As long as you are available buddy”.. Then again this whole spanish english thing isn’t working, and they keep telling me I like ojetes .  No I'm not going to say me gusta ojetes, I don’t know that that is.  NO FUCKING COMPRENDE AMIGO. I need to stop being pissed and piss drunk in dangerous situations.  Being a skilled comedian I know they are fucking around with me, and I make a mental note to look it up later.  

I’m writing this up at the Barca hostel and I tell Julianne about what I am laughing out loud at to myself. Let’s look it up, Here we go:

Ojete
masculine noun
1. eyelet (bordado)
2. arsehole, ring (muy informal) (ano)
Copyright © 2006 Chambers Harrap Publishers Limited
ojete [o-hay’-tay]
noun
1.Eyelet-hole in clothes. (m)
2.(coll.) Anus. (m)

Rather hilarious.  Big tattooed bartender and cousins slash sister slash girlfriends say bye and I leave to get some air to vent.  Walk out on the patio and people are just sitting down passed out and it’s the rag tags at the end of the night.  Decide to go play around for one last bit and run into Cali Jokes as I am going in. 

Shiva: Hey we pinky sweared on jokes night.
Cali Jokes: Yeah I want to but I have to take my friend back home he is really drunk. Am I going to see you again?
S: Come to razzmatazz tomorrow.
CJ: I don’t know where that is come back to this club tomorrow.
S: i'll see,
...hug and xx and she goes to drag the football hoverer home.

Fuck.  Pretty heated. Priya Patel, def wanted to give you a call, because you know you get all my useless venting. Go back in with fury, but basically everyone I’ve met in the bar crawl gone, no three brunettes, maryland guys, ronin and the viet cong canadialcoholics and basically end of cancun night style where it’s just guys and the girls no one wants to dance with.  There are two high school looking girls, but that turns into epic fail.  Looks like they aren’t into child rapists on account that I haven’t shaved in about a week and look as hobo as they come.  Go make my own fun, dance on stage and don’t remember if I take my shirt off or not, but autistic dancing like I don’t give a fuck haha. You know you love the autistic dancing Vinay.  


Decide I should somehow make it home.  I leave the club which is in a mall at the top of the marina. I end up walking outside lost and confused and way too shitty to be alone. I end up trying to make it onto some sort of bridge but the bridge drops off into the water and the other part of the platform is a good 10 feet away. I think for a second to see if I should jump to the other side, but better than Patel survival instinct tells me not to.
I see Ronin passed out on bricks in the middle of the courtyard of the mall. Smack him around a bit, but he is way too gone, put him on his side and wonder what his first thoughts are in the morning when he wakes up. I wander around for probably 20 minutes don’t really remember much but eventually take a cab home. I only have 5 euro on me, but the cab driver is nice and takes me back all the way to the hostel.

Oh, last note, we are staying in a 18 bed and I'm on top bunk, and I've been coming in at 6am so its hard enough to sleep with the sun shining through the windows. Out of 17 other people, who is the only one snoring? Thanks Vinay.


Why would you trust 7 Indian guys? The Tale of the Terror-Train of Curry

During the day I die a little bit more as we see Goudi buildings and I’m not writing about this shit because I don’t want to remember it. Oh, Surmeet vomits on one of Goudi’s buildings, NICE. Our group dynamic is really interesting; Anuj, Surmeet, and I want to drink and party; the other guys are like 70 year old grandpas that are trying to learn all the shit they can and are usually lame when we go out. So there’s quite a bit of Neal Viradia’s (Ahem this plant is called querius iamus) around. If I get super ambitious I'll write an entry about our group dynamic. Interesting characters.

We are going to Razzmatazz tonight, apparently HUGE warehouse club with 5 different clubs inside. Oddly enough the only night in Barcelona I don’t go out solo. We are getting ready and I comment on a girl looking at herself in the hostel mirror, nice belt, I have the same one at home. End up talking to her later as we take 2 years to get ready being brown. Julianne, this girl with the belt from San Francisco, is apparently alone here in Barca and asks if she can tag along tonight. Sure, you are joining 7 Indian men, but the hairy-er the merrier. Take Julianne quickly to the first bar because the rest of the curry crew isn't ready, hit the tail end of the bar crawl and look around for Cali Jokes.. but I never get this lucky in life. Curry crew arrives and we leave for a night on the town.

Notable events:

Love how people sell cans of beer on the street. Indifferent to how the bhangra boys talk to the guys in Punjabi. These sketchy Indian people selling shit all over the world makes us lose points I’m sure.

Play Never Have I Ever with rounds of 1 euro shots at first bar.

Warehouse is gigantismorgasboard of 5 clubs, pretty awesome, do my share of fucking around and dancing on stage with the boys.

End of the night turns into European stripper: Bring back dancing on stage shirtless a la Cancun edition. Molest Aman because he is not dancing shirtless or taking care of his to do list.

Collectively as the Curry Crew, we run the Terror Train of Curry on Julianne... in the train. Brings back the recurring theme of Eiffel towering at the Eiffel tower. In the morning, when all 8 of us wake up in a single bed on top bunk, we all wonder the same thing:

Why would a skinny white girl trust 7 curry gentlemen to take her out for a night on the town?